McCain victory day Contingency Plan – Week one

August 29, 2008 at 9:43 pm (politics) ()

Yeah, with this female veep nod I’m terrified that the worst is going to happen. In that eventuality I’ve developed a plan of how to cope with the first week of the new shitty world order.

Day 1 – Doomsday : One six pack and several hours later as the final electoral count rolls in I scream, “Nooooooooo! “. I proceed to yell at my friends that “I told them so” and hysterically compare myself to the Greek Cassandra as I curse them for convincing me to become emotionally involved in yet another lost election.  The host takes the beer away from me and asks me to leave. I slink away and yell at random passerbys that they should be ashamed for voting for “McBush” even though this is NYC and they probably didn’t.

Day 2 – 10 am :  cry

12 noon : I name my bottle of vodka “Carville” and go into a detailed analysis of exactly where the campaign went wrong. Carville remains smugly silent.

<tab> 3pm : I stare at the wall with my two cats and call them pussies for not wanting to take a shot

Day 3 – 2am : After hours without sleep, water or food I start to wonder if I can learn how to kill people or take out the entire landlocked center of the country south of the Mason-Dixon line just using the power of my mind.

<tab> 9am : run to Blockbuster across the street and rent “Scanners”, “Carrie”, “The Fury”, and “They Live”.  Commence intense psychic concentration.

Day 4 – 9pm : abandon mission after I discover that the only thing I’ve accomplished is giving myself a migraine, making Cindy McCain’s forehead revert to a pre-botoxed state and causing an unexplained electrical blackout at a Walgreens in Topeka, Kansas. McCain’s head is still intact. Epic Fail.

Day 5 – search expedia for plane tickets to Japan. Call gaijin houses to see if they can take me in starting tommorrow.

3 hours later – realize that Japan has been under a conservative govn’t for decades and that they aren’t exactly progressive when it comes to gender.  Also, my Japanese still sucks. Console myself by watching “Zatoichi” and eating Katsu Don.

Imagined conversation with Japanese person:

Him: Amerika-jin desu ka? (Are you American?)

Me: Hai. (yup)

Him: Anata wa Nihongo ga wakarimasu ka? (Do you understand Japanese?)

Me: E to…chotto… sukoshi Nihongo ga hanasemasu demo mada jouzu jaa … (uh, I can speak a little but I’m not good ye…)

Him:  邪法ワポトユンもウェゆっくりしょう。。。。(long string of unintelligible words. to me, that is)

Me: oh fuck.

Day 6 – rule out being cryogenically frozen for 6 years – the max amount of time I think that McBush will be lucid, or be able to fake lucid thought through his advisors – because I’m a broke ass grad student.

Day 7 – Slowly come to my senses. Start hoarding contraceptives and morning after pills like they’re fucking pez.  Meet with local “midwives” *ahem*. Plan to start an underground railroad for women who need abortions. Find other pissed people and figure out how to fuck shit up a la “V for Vendetta”. Rent “Vera Drake”

Year 1-4 : organize, organize, organize

Alternately:

If Nov 4 is V-day and Obama wins….

Day 1 – All my friends make fun of me being so freaked out and doubtful.

I think I’ve never been so happy to be so wrong.  Am in euphoric state for next 4 years.

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